Choosing Voluntary Single Motherhood

I have never put any deep thought into how voluntary single motherhood might work until I got an invitation to attend a donor party.

I have a couple of girlfriends that are single, aging and would like to have a child, so they have started thinking about having a family without "Mr. Right."

One friend of mine finally made the decision to mother a child on her own, and so decided to throw a donor party. She had narrowed the child’s soon-to-be father down to four candidates (sperm donors), and she wanted to invite her friends and family over to help choose “The One.”

One of the most important decisions in a woman’s life is the man she chooses to father her children. I say this because relationships come and go. And if your partner is not the right one for you, you are heartbroken, but you move on.

However, when you mother the child of the wrong partner, you have made a commitment that will affect you and your child’s lives forever.

So, on the day of my friend’s donor party I was a bit anxious, curious to know how the people I was going to meet there felt about my friend’s experience. But, when I got there, the atmosphere was really cool and casual. People were in the garden, drinking and talking about everything else, like who they were, their work, their plans for the future, their next trip, etc.  

We did not talk about the donation until she invited us into a room where she was going to present the profile of the four donors conveniently named Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo (giggles).

We had the task of analyzing them and voting for one. The top-two most voted would go on to the second round, at which point, she herself would make the final decision.   

When I was choosing, I really felt responsible for this child life. Would I choose a donor that was going to pass genes of good health, kindness and good character to her baby? All of the donors were healthy, young, physically attractive and successful adults.

Many of the friends and family were looking for the ones with good heart and potential academic achievement. I was looking for that too. But "Mo" caught my attention because he said he was donating specially because he loved his family and friends around him and was willing to give other people that same experience of love.

I decided to give Mo a chance to go to the next round.

Despite it being a nurturing and inspiring experience, parenting is not an easy task and single parenting is even more challenging. We all know that growing children and teenagers can be unstable, demanding and opinionated.

We need to be prepared for those moments you wished you really had someone to turn to and share the duties and responsibilities of caring of a baby and a growing child. Because when the situation gets challenging, you will still have to do it ALL, because you will be the only adult in your child’s life.

For all of these reasons, I think that being a single mother is a decision we really need to think deeply about, do intense research, talk to other single mothers and listen to their moments of joy and of sorrow, before really coming to a final decision.  

I attended my friend’s donor party and felt honored to help a friend to choose “The One.” I talked to some family and friends and felt overwhelmed by their sincere and beautiful words. 

I asked one of her friends what would she say to the baby if she had the chance and she said, “Dear baby, your mother is a very sweet, joyful and caring person, we know she will make sure that you are happy everyday and will grow to be a kind child, we already love you too and look forward to share fun family moments together”.

Which child in the world would not like to be born to that non-traditional modern extended family?  

I think that when you doing something with true LOVE, that is all that matters!   

Karine Silva

Women and Child Activist

www.blogrededemulheres.blogspot.com

www.assorem.org.br